Living in a beautiful resort area was very intimidating in terms of healthy body imaging. I was active in alcoholic drinking, partying all night in bars and clubs. I was obsessed with going out every night and looking sexy. However, there was one problem. I wasn’t as thin as all my friends and I found myself full of resentment, self-pity and jealousy. One night, staring down into my empty cocktail glass I realized that drinking actually made me full and I could probably lose weight if I supplemented most of my meals with alcohol. Soon after I began skipping breakfast, running 5 miles a day, working all evening in a bar which burned a ton of calories, and then going out all night filling myself with alcohol. As the weeks moved forward I realized that I was losing weight at a rapid rate but the lack of food was contributing toward alcoholic blackouts. To be honest, I was so obsessed with my weight at this point I didn’t care. At 5’8”, I went from 135 pounds to 97 pounds in less than a few of months. As this continued to happen it fueled my alcoholism and also my eating disorder. However, I was suffering from anemia, hair loss, extreme dehydration, depression and extremely high anxiety.
A year later, I was so thin an emancipated that I agreed to participate in a few counseling sessions at the request of friends; soon to be diagnosed with anorexia. With that said I was in complete denial. I continued to remain down this destructive path because I was so obsessed with the attention that I was receiving about how thin I was and how I looked like a model. But at what cost? I continued to visit my counselor I slowly began to learn about what I was doing to my body. She told me, “that a healthy liver is only able to metabolize one drink per hour. The absence of nutrients in my body was slowing down my metabolism and the alcohol was damaging my liver”. Even though I wasn’t ready to change I was ready to listen more about my condition. Moving forward I learned that alcoholism is significantly more harmful to women than men because women are deficient in an enzyme that metabolizes alcohol. She said that, “women who drink frequently are at a greater risk for cirrhosis than men even if they drink less alcohol or even for a shorter time period especially with the absence of food”. She also said that if I continued to drink alcoholically and deprive my body of the nutrients it needs I am rapidly heading down the road to liver cirrhosis or pancreatitis and will likely die at a young age.
Here I stood at the turning point, with the need to make a decision about my life. I was battling two evils; alcoholism and anorexia. After several trips to the emergency room I decided that I was ready to admit total defeat and surrender. I accepted the fact that I was alcoholic and anorexic and that if I didn’t seek help I would likely die. I worked a strong recovery program with a sponsor based on the 12 steps to regain my spirituality, emotional well-being and healthy body imaging. I truly began experience the freedom of the bondage of both my alcoholism, and my eating disorder. Today, I continue to work my program because I believe that it is a life-long journey. I am truly grateful to have had these experiences in my life and to be given the gift of freedom.